what is a memory?
I think about this a lot, because out of all the books I have read and people I have talked to, it seems that everyone has his or her own idea of what a memory should consist of. when some people remember, they think of a sight, a sound, a smell, a taste. others remember a strong emotion. still others don't really remember at all, they just know the event happened. I know I personally use a combination of these. sometimes I can remember everything about a particular moment: what I was wearing, what I said, what others said, what the room smelled like. other times I just remember feeling "so" happy/sad/scared/relieved. but a period of time soon before or after these vivid memories? nada. I just know it happened because I know it led me to whichever clearer memory I can recall that came next.
I wonder what it would be like to have total recall, where literally every thing that has ever entered my brain could be brought forth again in an instant. for one thing, if my head didn't literally explode first, my grades would be much, much better. I wonder sometimes what would happen if I were called in to answer questions in a criminal investigation... "where were you on the evening of such and such?" if it didn't happen within the last couple of weeks or so I'm not sure I could tell anyone with any certainty. that's kinda scary. I could pull out a calendar and point to particular dates where I know exactly where I was and what I was doing ("vivid" memories) but as for everything else it could have been anywhere. yikes.
for me though, what stands out about keeping track of memories is very broad. I look at periods of my life--a certain weekend, month, semester, year, whatever--as having certain overall feelings attached to them. like last spring, for example, probably the busiest, craziest semester of my life. I know I had at least one near nervous breakdown because I remember sitting about where I'm sitting now, running on very little sleep and thinking school was absolutely going to kill me. it was sometime in April and I was upset about a grade I had just gotten back and I had a paper due in two hours or something ridiculous. that's all I really remember about that. I'm trying very hard to remember other bad things that happened. my mom was in a car accident and I remember that pretty clearly because it was so scary. I have a few deliriously happy/wonderful memories too, that are very specific. but all of the in between is a blur, and it is out of that blur that the overall feeling for the semester is gleaned, an average of all the various emotions I spent my time feeling then: blissful chaos. last spring was filled with so many many good times while being incredibly, overwhelmingly busy. furthermore, what came out of that semester affects my memory of it. example, CWE training was a royal pain sometimes, but knowing that the best summer of my life came from it makes the whole experience seem somehow better, looking back.
a wish of mine after I die is to view a movie of my life, start to finish, to relive the best times, be reminded of what I learned from the worst, and to really remember all those specifics in that blur. what fun times am I missing, by not remembering? what terrible feelings am I being protected from by not really remembering that I felt them? maybe it doesn't matter. because maybe a person's life is not meant to be a string of memories, but rather, a series of experiences, one flowing into another, a particular experience not achieving its full worth until the story is complete and they all fit together. no specifics, just the knowledge of what your life--your whole life--meant to you and to all those around you.
